What was I thinking???

Hmmm, I don't know about this.  So far things are going great up here, other than the really slow U Scans (oxymoron I know).  I still cry about everything that has happened.  Still catch myself rehashing every hurt that ever happened to me.  But for the most part it's getting better. The one thing I have a problem with is that I never see Turkey Butt.  He's always upstairs playing with the boys.  I miss him.  Especially right now, being on break from school and work.  Normally we would be playing cards, watching movies, playing Star Wars Legos, something,  But now he's up there and I am down here taking care of the baby.  Is this normal???  Is this what normally happens in "families"?  As the kids grow (yeah they are 5, 6, 7) do you just never see them?  I want more time with TB.  I want him to say, mom will you play old maid with me. I don't know, maybe it's just the single mom spending 5 years just me and him but this is just weird.  Maybe it's just the novelty of having the other two around all the time.  They haven't had any fights yet so maybe then it will happen.  I don't know.  When I mentioned it to my friends she said, well you need a break.  A few weeks ago someone else told me the same sort of thing, mom's need to take care of themselves sometimes too and do things for themselves.  I don't know, it all seems so unnatural to me.  I don't want our relationship to get ruined.  I hardly think it could, but I don't know, once I start working and going to classes again will I ever see him???  Yesterday when I went to the store without him, he was fine didn't care at all.  Which is totally not normal by the way.  He didn't even know when I got home, he came down an hour later and said oh that was a long trip, not knowing that I just got there.   Weird and to think last year I was complaining that he would not go play with the others up north.   Everything will be fine, I am sure.

Tomorrow I am leaving for good to begin all over again.  I keep thinking of Widget so I pulled this up to share with you.  It's the letter I wrote for our newsletter.   I still need to hear these words, now more than ever. Good-bye dear Widget. You came from a rough past and no one will ever know what demons you had to face.  So loving and yet so scared I tried so hard to find you a place.  You were so loving and so sweet, so  good and so quiet.  But you were also so scared and so afraid.  You loved people, but not too many.  You liked the other dogs, but not too close.  Some- times those demons are just too hard to fight.  I’ll remember you though, always.  I’ll remember our walks around the vet’s property.  And sitting at the picnic table watching Joey skip rocks in the river.  Sniffing and hunting for the ducks, you always knew when they were there, even if I couldn’t see them.  And oh the leaves, that big cottonwood tree, boy did it have leaves.  And when the wind blew, boy oh boy which one should you chase?  But most of all, I’ll miss sitting un- der that big old tree and brushing you and petting you and talking to you.  I loved our talks.  I’ll miss telling you  how pretty you are and how sweet you are.  I’ll remember telling you not to be afraid, that it’s okay to trust again.  Most of all I will remember tell- ing you that even if you couldn’t get over it, that I would still love you and that I would always love you just the way you were- broken and all.  You see dear Widget, you were not the only one that needed to hear those words, I did too.  You taught me just as much as I taught you.  We may not have been able to get you over your demons or get you a house that would last for- ever, but you did find love and comfort and peace.  You did get a home, it is right here in my heart.  Sleep easy my dear Widget; those demons can’t get you anymore. Rest easy sweet sweet girl, you have nothing left to fear. Love, Tammy   

I was really profound this day.

What makes me love God.

Last night during small group we were asked, What is it about God that makes us give him praise and adoration? What is it that makes us honor Him above all else? Basically what makes each of us love and honor God in our own way? There are lots of reasons and lots of things that I could have said, but recent events have led me to this one conclusion.Fostering dogs is a constant reminder to me of how much God loves me. I pick up a dog that has been lost or discarded and basically all that I provide it is shelter, food and lots of unconditional love. Usually the dogs transform and blossom, they realize that they are no longer on their own and that someone is there to take care of them. They relax, they settle down and they become wonderful pets. Sometimes, this is not the case. This was the case with Widget. I do not know her history. All I know is that she was dropped in a St Louis shelter because she had been stabbed. Different versions of why surfaced, but the bottom line was that she was there and she had been stabbed. We transported her to MI to be my foster. We quickly found out that she had major issues with other pets. Whatever had happened to her, made her extremely jealous and insecure. She loved me and my son but she did not under any circumstances want to share our love or attention with any one else. Because of this she had to go into boarding until another place could be found for her. TB and I visited her often and walked her and played with her, showing her that we still loved her despite her issues. The staff where I boarded her did the same. Finally 10 months later a family came and wanted to adopt her. 10 months is a long time for a dog to live in a kennel, but we were not about to give up on her. We had brought her in and we knew she was not perfect but we wanted to do what we could for her. So in October she went to live with her new family, mom dad and two little girls.Last Friday I received the most heartbreaking email of my life, the family needed to turn her in. My heart sunk. There were not details in the email but knowing Widget's past, I knew this was going to be hard. I hoped that it was not an issue of aggressionbut rather one of circumstances for the family. I kept thinking to myself, the economy sucked maybe that's why. Anything, butaggression.I called them and found out that Widget had bitten one of their daughters. Not once but a few times. The mom also told me that this had happened a while ago and that she had been trying to deal with it. Basically she had been a nervous wreck ever since, worrying about her children's safety and also about Widget. I know that feeling all to well, having to chose between someone or something that you love with all of your heart and your child. It is most unfair. I also knew what needed to be done with Widget. She needed to be put down. Even the mention of this sent the family into deep grief so I did what was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I lied to them. I pretended that Widget was being picked up so that we could find her a new home, all the while knowing that I was picking up Widget to take her to the vet to be put down. It was terrible. I felt so horrible misleading them. When I picked up Widget she gave me all of her toys and her food and her blanket and my heart sunk, she wouldn't need these anymore where she was going but I had to keep up the facade for the family's sake.Why did I do this you may wonder? Because I did not want to force them into making this decision. I did not want to burden them with the guilt of knowing that they had to chose and they had to take Widget's life. When they grieved for Widget I wanted them to not blame themselves or be mad at themselves, if they needed to be mad, I wanted them to be mad at me. I have had to make this decision twice in my life, once with my first dog Magnum and once with my ex-husband. Both times is was horrible. It's not a decision that anyone should have to make.Choosing between the safety of your child and someone or something else that you love is hard. There is no way to make it better. You can rationalize it all you want that it is your responsibility as a parent to do this but it still sucks. The safety of your child must always come first, no matter what the pain is.After going through all of this I can't help but feel some guilt. I tried as hard as I could and I did the best I could but I still failed. These are my limits as a human. No matter how strong and how loving and caring I am, I am still powerless in the end. No it's not my fault that Widget was stabbed and whatever else may have happened to her to make her the way she was. No it's not my fault that Magnum was an insecure mess because of the environment we lived in. No it's not my fault that my ex-husband became paranoid schizophrenic. None of these are my fault. Yes I did everything that was humanly possible for these three, but in the end it still didn't work. I had to give up. I am human.But God on the other hand, He is above all of this. He is greater than all of this and He never gives up. I know the pain and the grief that I have felt for these two dogs and this one person. It's horrible. But God, He feels this for every single last person on this earth. He goes on and on and on, never giving up, never throwing in the towel, never saying this is too hard or there is nothing left I can do, never saying I have done all I can. He never says I can't do this anymore. He never stops trying and hoping and loving us-all of us. The billions of people that came before us and the billions that will come after us. And in the middle of all of these people is me, and He still has time for me and He still watches over me and cares for me and loves me.The reason that I love God?Because God is unfailing love and His love is boundless. 

It's also something I am not good at.  OK I suck at it, especially when it comes to me personally.  Oh yes, I trust God, but really that's about it.  Really though after 32 years of being let down over and over and over again, can you blame me?  Oh yeah and then throw in the whole, hey let's go to a wedding and by the time you leave your husband will be crazy and never be the same again.  So let's just say I am OVER-CAUTIOUS of people, it sounds better. Well this weekend is going to be interesting to say the least, next year really interesting.  Moving in with friends, asking for help (and assuming people will say yes) not things I am used to, not at all.  Not being ordered to pay 5000 times over for the one little favor and having it lorded over my head forever and ever, we'll just see if we can get over that.  HMMMMMM I hope so. OH GEEZE, the little blurb at the top of the screen says "call your mother".  Somehow I REALLY don't see that happening. 

It's not something I am good at.  I hate to do it with a passion.  I will do it if I have to but it has to be the absolute LAST resort.  Last week I had this whole feeling like I was quitting everything, family, friends, life.  But then a whole bunch of people assumed that I was going to quit school because of the move.  I got a little mad.  No, I am not a quitter, period.  Then I of course thought about it and I was like geee, I am quitting a lot right now in a way.  Quitting a lot of toxic things and only keeping what's important.  So I guess it was the last resort for me with some people and things and not so much with others, weird huh.  There are lots of possibilities left for me, no point in hanging on to what doesn't work.

Not getting my hopes up.

How many times do you hear people utter these words-I am not going to get my hopes up. Their belief is that by not getting their hopes up they will not be disappointed or upset if things don't go their way.Can I just add right here that this is the silliest thing to do. Do you honestly think that you will want something less just because you are "not getting your hopes up"? Maybe you can, I don't know but for me it doesn't work that way. I want what I want and no amount of negative thinking is going to stop it. All the negative thinking does is make it harder for me to get it. I make a half hearted attempt and probably end up screwing everything up so that I can't get what I want. In essence, I ruin it for myself.Yes, I admit that there are some things that I don't get even if I really want them. But oh well, if I don't get what I want, it was obviously not what I needed. And usually something else pops up that I want so I move on to new, usually bigger and better things to hope for. Typically after going round and round I usually get something and it turns out to be way better than the original thing I had "hoped" for anyway. So all is well in the end anyway.To me, hoping and dreaming are essential to happiness. I can't sit by idly and let life pass me by. I am too afraid that I might miss out on something. I would rather try and fail then to never try at all. The thing that makes me the saddest is knowing that I didn't try. I don't like having regrets. I would much rather have a lot of failed attempts mixed in with a few successes than to have a pile of regrets at the end of the day.Last night after I put Turkey Butt in bed I was going over 2006 in my head. It was a long and tough year, there were lots of losses and gains, successes and failures. One thing that was missing from 2006 however was a pile of regrets. There was no feeling of I should have done this or I should have done that. I feel as if everything that has happened is just as it should be. All in all it was a very good year for me and I look forward to 2007. Life is good, even when it's bad.

Posted by Tammy D at 10:29 AM

Don't help someone because you pity them, want to change them or otherwise want to control them.  Help them because you value, care and all around like them and want to see them succeed.

and the snow comes, the only question is where do you want to be snowed in.  Going to Flint this morning.  Is it that obvious.

I am done dwelling, ready to move on.  Now I just have to work out all the darn details.  Grrrrrrr.IN about 5 hours I will be officially halfway to my MSW, yeah!!! 

I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.I moving to Flint.Well actually Flushing, but really is there any difference???